Incredible Gift

Our words are so important. What we say--or write--and how we say it can create healing or inflict pain. As a writer and editor, I make my living with words. I edit hundreds of articles each month for an online service, and do my best to help authors. Sometime I grumble, sometimes I complain. Even so, I always leave comments for the author praising their efforts and wishing them a lovely day or week. I try to personalize if I can, and write words that come from my heart.

Today I received an incredible gift: to know the effect of my words, and how much deeper it goes than I ever imagined. I received the following message from the editorial desk of the online service this morning, containing a message from an author who very much wanted to get in touch with the editor who left comments on a recent article. We edit anonymously, so it is likely this person will never know who I am. This author wrote the following (CE stands for copy editor):

I was wondering if the editorial team would please pass along my gratitude to a CE who edited my most recent article. This particular CE left the kindest note. My sister was killed in a car crash last month and I've been doing my best to write during this time. Of course the CE doesn't know this, but his/her comments made a complete stranger's day so much better. I'd love it if someone would please let this person know.

I wept at these words, at how blessed I am to receive such a gift; at how many times in my past I have wounded others with words; at how many opportunities for healing I might have missed; at my incredible good fortune that I get to keep learning, becoming ever more conscious. What I wrote is less important than its effect. I still want to share the words, in case someone else needs to hear them:

Great article, and a pleasure to edit! Thanks for all your work. Take care, and may the rest of your week prove wonderful beyond all expectations!

Thanks for reading, and may your weekend prove uplifting and fulfilling.

~Love and Blessings,
Selene~

The New Ford Focus, with Optional Lizard

Hawaii, Hawaii. Oh, how mixed are my feelings about you, reputed tropical paradise and tourist mecca. Right now I have bugs of various kinds crawling down my back, along my arms, up my legs, across my forehead, over my belly--well, you get the idea. And this is all happening after an application of Waikoloa Bob's Hawaiian botanical oil. There are moments when I believe I shall go quite mad, and end up a gibbering wild woman, cavorting through the jungles of Puna with a giant fly swatter cackling and calling out, "Come to momma, you little blood-sucking motherf***ers!"

Other than that, I'm fine! How are you?

Oh, wait, did I forget to tell you about the lizard in my car? I picked up a rental at Hilo Airport during my first week, because I realized it was folly to believe I could survive without one. Anyway, they gave me a very new Ford Focus, with only 4,000-plus miles on it. The lizard came later. He (or she--who can tell?) ended up in my car because I tried to save him from getting blown off my windshield. One day as I returned from filling the tank, I looked up and there was a little yellow lizard, perhaps two or three inches long, clinging for dear life to my front window. He tried to lift his head, and the air pressure pulled it back. Fearing for his neck, I pulled over to the side of the road and tried to coax him off the glass--and scared him right inside my car!

To make a long story a little shorter, at first he would crawl out of the air vent once in a while and pay me a visit. I haven't seen him, though, since decided to crawl up my leg one afternoon. I screamed like someone was trying to kill me and shook my leg quite hard. Last I saw of the little guy, he flew through the air a short distance. Not surprisingly, he hasn't poked his little yellow head out since.

I had quite an adventure with the ocean last week, too. I had no clue how powerful the sea is out here, and got bashed against some rocks by a giant wave. I went to the water on a ritual quest, seeking cleansing and transformation. I specifically sought to release what no longer serves me, and the injuries I received were perfect, since they are identical to ones inflicted on me frequently in childhood. Deep processing of past emotional pain ensued, and I realized I was finally ready to let go of some old ways of seeing the world--ways that no longer serve me in the life I've created. And that was just my morning. Later the same day, I decided to brave the black sand beach in Puna, along Kalapana-Kapoho Road. I give myself points for bravery, that's for sure--facing the sea twice in the same day.

I stood on the beach, feeling the waves wash over my legs and feet, believing I was safe because I was on a beach. Oh, how foolish I was then. Quite a large wave came and covered me. It knocked me off my feet, rushed up my nose, and started dragging me out to sea. I fought to stand upright, and as I did, my head whipped around to spy a truly enormous wave moments away! I threw myself forward, reaching my hands toward the beach as if I could anchor myself with handfuls of black sand. I was certain the wave was going to grab me, cover me, and carry me off and I would cease to be embodied on this gracious plane.

Yet Pele sent her priestess to my aid! A woman with long silver hair flying out behind her, and short white skirt whipping up to reveal her yoni and her long, tanned legs pumping ran to my rescue. She grabbed both my hands and helped me make it to the beach and solid sand before the second wave overtook me. I do not know her name, but I will never forget her. I hugged her and will forever think of her as Momma Pele.

I feel blessed to be alive, despite the aggravations of insects and all else that conspires to remind me I am theoretically in paradise.

Thank you for reading. Tomorrow I'll write about the rainbows, pan-fried ono, dear Darlene at the coffee shop in Pahoa, and other adventures. Take care, and may you appreciate all that you have.

~Love and Blessings,
Selene~

Aloha, Mahalo, and Ahhhhh

Right now I'm sitting on the veranda at Kalani Retreat Center in Puna, on Kapolo-Kalapani Road, on what I'm told is the rainy side of the big island. Since it has rained every day I've been here, even if only briefly, I am a believer.

I can hear the sound of ocean, which is right across the street. I can also hear at least a dozen varieties of birds making music in the trees, and a strange music it is to my mainlander ears. I can see nothing beyond the tree trunk posts that hold up the veranda roof, except a lighted doorway off to my left. If I stare hard into the thick, living darkness I can just make out the slender ghost of a coconut palm's trunk.

Did I mention how beautiful it is here? I am settling in, enjoying myself immensely. Today I rented a car, an absolute necessity if I want to see more of the Big Island, including the volcanoes! Eeek! The thought makes me shiver in my shoes and quiver with delight at the same time. Here's a photo for you. Signs like these appear along Kapolo-Kalapani Road:

The others I've seen read "Appreciation" and "Self-Love." I may start a trend for this when I return to California. I feel uplifted each time I see these signs.

Another lovely thing about being here: the garden where we're staying. Oh, the garden! Two varieties and three flavors of peppers--Thai yellow and red, and Hawaiian red; fresh basil; fresh lemongrass; and curry leaves. All of these smell and taste divine. I made brown rice yesterday, flavored with a broth I made from all of the above, plus salt and filtered water. I also added fresh chopped basil, ghee, and ume plum vinegar. Oh, my Goddess! I was in culinary heaven! Here's a photo I especially like of the Hawaiian peppers:

Have I mentioned the kitty who has adopted me? I've dubbed her "Puna Puss," and she follows me hither and yon. Her meow is so deep she sounds like a bullfrog, and she's painfully skinny. Today I introduced her to the delights of sliced, roasted turkey, and she ate like a starving creature. My prayer is that she find someone to care for her after I'm gone. She always seems to be in the garden of the house where we're staying, and comes out to greet me each time I return. Everywhere I go, I seem to get adopted by a kitty. When I traveled to Mount Shasta two years ago, a snow white kitty moved into my little cabin with me, and I named him Shasta. I wrote a song about Mount Shasta, and he appears in the first stanza. Perhaps I shall write a song for Puna Puss as well. I feel the muse stirring within, but perhaps my first creation will be a poem for Pele. Here's a picture of Puna Puss:

Oh, and lest I forget, there are also the warm pools. I believe I talked about them in my last post. They are most magical. I had a thought to go tonight, but I'm on my own and a little afraid of the palpable jungle darkness. My friend traveled today to the other side of the island, and I elected to stay on this side. I did have him drop me off in Hilo, so I could rent the car I mentioned earlier. Then he drove off on his merry way and I went to get my toenails done. I love the color: Thank you very muchness red. Thank you very muchness, indeed. And on that note, I bid you good night, and sweet tropical dreams.

~Love and Blessings,
Selene~

Aloha, Mahalo, and Holy Sh*t!

Oh, the Goddess has been putting me through trial by fire since I arrived, though as of this moment, things seem to have settled down a bit.

My first night in Hawaii all went well until about 9 pm, when the running water in the house I'm staying in stopped running. I had a list of numbers to call, and no phone service. My housemate had not yet arrived, and I knew no one. Well, there was Rachel, who had picked me up from Hilo Airport and then shown me around the area and the property. I tried to call her and text her, to no avail. I still need to get in touch with her and let her know everything turned out okay.

Anyhow, I also had no Internet access, so I felt cut off from the world. I decided to sleep on it, since I was too exhausted to get seriously worried.

I woke up early the next morning, after an excellent night's sleep. Then I had plenty of energy to panic! I didn't really care about the Internet or the phone--those I knew I could live without. I knew quite well, however, that I could not live without water, especially not in a very hot tropical paradise. So I cried for a while, and asked the Goddess to tell me what to do.

My first moment of grace came when I decided to run outside and stand in the second of many tropical downpours that day. I turned my face to the sky and spread out my arms. The rain and cool air felt like a blessing. After that I felt much calmer, and I asked the Goddess to please send me help.

A short while later, the neighbor my hosts had asked to bring in the mail came by, calling a cheery, "Aloha!" As it turned out, she was the very person I had been trying hardest to get in touch with, because according to the list my hosts left, she knew all the local repair people and would have the answer in most situations. Oh, and did she ever! She knew who to call to repair the water pump, and she let me use her phone, and then her Internet. She also took me on a short road trip and showed me where the locals get free drinking water from spigots by the side of the road--a Goddess-send with a limited water supply! I felt blessed to meet and know her.

That same day I picked up my housemate from Hilo Airport, after getting lost enough times on the way to make a 45-minute trip into about two hours. That night we went to the warm pool, a giant outdoor hot sea-water pond, heated by the breath of Pele herself. There was a waxing quarter moon shedding soft white light on us, and tiny fish nibbling at my toes, arms, legs, back--whatever they could get their nibblers on! My companion had warned me that the fish would take off dead skin cells and whatever else they could get. One tried to take a mole off my thigh, but it was firmly attached. What a strange experience!

Last night I had yet another cleansing. I woke in the tropical dark--which is unlike any other darkness I've experienced, being absolutely impenetrable--with my gut in an uproar. Some bacterial bug had got me, and I cried and moaned and sweated and shivered on the toilet for at least 30 minutes. I felt so much pain that it crossed my mind to wonder whether I would survive. Obviously I did, but what a painful experience. I felt a bit tender today, and happy to be alive. I took it very easy today, and feel much better for it.

I have much more to tell, and show--I need to download the beautiful photos I took on my walk yesterday. Each day here is filled with so much beauty, wildness, and glorious life! Today I've share my woes, and tomorrow I'll share the joys!

Good night, aloha, mahalo, and sweet dreams. May your days and nights feel blessed, and may you know you are alive.

~Love and Blessings,
Selene~

Hawaii, Here I Come

Hilo, Hawaii awaits me! On Friday at 3:41 pm I'll fly into Hilo Airport--via Los Angeles, Honolulu, and someplace else I forgot. Oh, the joys of flying coach. Well, even so, I'm looking forward to some "me" time on the plane. I've got tons of books I've been trying to get through, and I plan to spend a lot of time reading. Probably not until the battery on my new laptop loses juice, though.

Oh, speaking of my new laptop--you would need to see this beautiful piece of machinery to believe it! It has a 17-inch screen, 451 gigabytes of hard drive space, 8 gigabytes of RAM, a DVD-RW drive, and a ruby red top. Most of what I just wrote won't mean much unless you're as geeky as I am. I just love it! I'll say it loud, I'm geeky and I'm proud! By the way, I chose the ruby red top to please my inner Fashion Diva--my inner Computer Geek had nothing to do with that.

Anyway, computer-praising tangents aside, I'm very excited to see Hawaii for the first time. I'm inviting Pele's wisdom, and the guidance of Helle, the Norse Goddess of Death and Rebirth. My friend Francesca and I were talking, and we decided that Helle, Pele, Kali, and Hecate are part of a sisterhood of dark, powerful Divine Mother Goddesses. I always felt drawn to the pantheon of Norse Gods and Goddesses, though Helle was not among them in the books I read as a child. Not surprising, really, considering that the early Christians were so terrified of her they gave their underworld her name!

Helle and I got acquainted through a divination Francesca led, based on my inquiry into what my next step would be along the path of Priestess. Consecrating myself to a Dark Mother Goddess, of course--what else? I've always seemed to have one foot in the world of shadow and one in the world of light. Once I feared the world of shadow was the only place I would ever reside. All my life I've struggled toward the light. In the last few years, I've realized that what I truly need is balance--to find a place between those worlds.

Well, this is turning into a long post, and I'm getting tired. I have more to do before I leave, and I'd best get to it. Thanks for reading, and may you always remember that you are Divine.

~Love and Blessings,
Selene~

P.S. -- Watch this space! I'm planning to blog regularly about my adventures in Hawaii. Did I mention I'll be there an entire month? I still can't quite believe it. And soon I'll be living it! Good night, and sweet dreams.

Addendum to Finding Forgiveness

In my previous post, typed very early this morning -- about 12 hours ago, in fact -- I only obliquely hinted at the experience that was most healing for me.

Francesca Gentille, a priestess, teacher, shamanic soul coach, sex-and-intimacy coach, and good friend, created amazing events called Adoration Temples last year. She and her beloved, Tahil Gesyuk -- a priest, teacher, and coach in his own right -- are now conducting these Temples once every month. Last Friday they held their very first Adoration Temple for Survivors of Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Abuse, and I was in attendance.

I embodied and revealed my wounding from Little Selene, my inner self who is forever nine years old and who carries all my suffering, along with my compassion, courage, and creativity.

Blessings forever upon Francesca and Tahil, who created a safe, sacred space for deep heart presence and full soul revealing, without which I might never have healed this hurt.

I cannot possibly recommend their Temples highly enough. If you are a woman who wishes to be adored by men who will do so from deep within their hearts, I encourage you to attend next month's Adoration Temple for Women, which takes place on Friday, March 12. Here's a link to the event page on Facebook: Women's Temple of Adoration

If you are a man who wishes to adore women from his heart, to learn how to make his adoration sacred and soulful, here's a link: Men's Training to Sacredly Adore Women

Joy and blessings on your path.

Finding Forgiveness

I'm still awake at 4 am and feeling sad. Yet this is the kind of sad that will fade quickly, rather than deep grief that feels as though it might swallow me whole. Last week I finally let go of my shame around an old memory, and my sadness comes from feeling an empty place inside that was once filled with pain. I simply don't know what else to fill it with yet.

Many years ago the assistant principal at my high school walked up to me and a group of boys on the lawn in front of the school building. The boys kicked me, punched me, pulled my hair, and called me names. They held my arms and legs so I could not get away. Mr. E. walked up to us and looked through me, as though I was not there. He spoke only to the boys. "You can't fight on school property," he told them.

He stood and watched while the boys dragged me approximately one foot off school grounds, and then continued to kick me, punch me, and pull my hair. Then Mr. E. turned and walked away.

For many years I couldn't understand how he could have done such a thing. Wasn't it his job to protect me? For many years I carried shame and guilt, believing I had somehow deserved his treatment of me.

Recently this memory came back very strongly, and when it did, I thought I needed to forgive Mr. E. I thought forgiving him would take my pain away. I talked it through with some friends, and one of them (bless her heart) told me that what he had done was unforgivable. When she said that, something broke open inside me. My shame began spilling out, and as I wept, I realized I did need to find forgiveness -- for myself.

To make a much longer story a little shorter, I have managed -- through writing about the incident, a bit of dream interpretation, and some role playing work with good friends -- to forgive myself for being helpless, for being a victim.

As a footnote to this entry, I googled Mr. E. yesterday and found him -- on Facebook, of all places. I am certain it is the same person. Although his profile photo shows him with a large, round belly, a bald head, and clearly much older, the face is the same. His is a face I will find hard to forget, and I'm happy to report that I looked at his photo without fear, or shame, or pain. I felt only a little shaky, as though bracing myself for an earthquake that never came.

I release you from my memory, from my life, from my heart, Mr. E. You may not even remember what you did to me all those years ago. Yet instead of feeling angry, I only feel sad. A sadness that will quickly fade. May you fade along with it.