I Want to Be in Belly Love

I've been having a challenging time the last couple of days, wrestling the demon of self-loathing. After all the years I've worked on boosting my self image and esteem, this bout took me completely by surprise.

On Sunday I went to a wonderful consignment shop and tried on a large number of clothing items. I ended up with three things that fit and looked good on me. I also left the dressing room with a serious case of the why doesn't my body look the way I wish it did blues.

I've had the excellent fortune to have very few of these bouts over the last several years, ever since I lost 80 lbs. on my current eating plan. I was shocked to realize on Sunday that I still see myself as huge. I really don't know what brought it all on, but I felt deeply envious of all the slender women in the shop that day. "Why," I asked myself, "don't I have cleavage and a tiny waist?" For many years, I've dressed in long dresses, skirts and pants, as well as in styles and cuts of fabric that "hide" certain offending body parts -- namely my round belly and thick legs.

Perhaps I felt that way because summer is fast approaching -- although with the rain and cold weather in the Bay Area today, you wouldn't know it. Leaving that aside, however, I sometimes feel wistful when warmer weather begins, wishing I could drape my body in tiny silk chemises and satin shorts with bikini tops.

Finding beautiful clothing is a challenge for me, and also an absolute necessity. I'm definitely the artful, sensitive type, and it delights me to express myself via my wardrobe. So I do, whenever possible.

The past few days, I've been diving deeply inward. That's how I discovered that part of me still hates my belly. So I've decided I want to be in belly love. In the face of no agreement, in the midst of a culture that constantly tells me, "Get skinny, because you're not worth anything unless you look a certain way," I am apologizing to my belly. She gives me so many wonderful things, and I fail to honor her on a regular basis.

This post is my official declaration of working toward deep and serious belly love. May we all fall madly in love with ourselves, because we all deserve love.

Blessings, and thanks for reading.