In my previous post, typed very early this morning -- about 12 hours ago, in fact -- I only obliquely hinted at the experience that was most healing for me.
Francesca Gentille, a priestess, teacher, shamanic soul coach, sex-and-intimacy coach, and good friend, created amazing events called Adoration Temples last year. She and her beloved, Tahil Gesyuk -- a priest, teacher, and coach in his own right -- are now conducting these Temples once every month. Last Friday they held their very first Adoration Temple for Survivors of Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Abuse, and I was in attendance.
I embodied and revealed my wounding from Little Selene, my inner self who is forever nine years old and who carries all my suffering, along with my compassion, courage, and creativity.
Blessings forever upon Francesca and Tahil, who created a safe, sacred space for deep heart presence and full soul revealing, without which I might never have healed this hurt.
I cannot possibly recommend their Temples highly enough. If you are a woman who wishes to be adored by men who will do so from deep within their hearts, I encourage you to attend next month's Adoration Temple for Women, which takes place on Friday, March 12. Here's a link to the event page on Facebook: Women's Temple of Adoration
If you are a man who wishes to adore women from his heart, to learn how to make his adoration sacred and soulful, here's a link: Men's Training to Sacredly Adore Women
Joy and blessings on your path.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Finding Forgiveness
I'm still awake at 4 am and feeling sad. Yet this is the kind of sad that will fade quickly, rather than deep grief that feels as though it might swallow me whole. Last week I finally let go of my shame around an old memory, and my sadness comes from feeling an empty place inside that was once filled with pain. I simply don't know what else to fill it with yet.
Many years ago the assistant principal at my high school walked up to me and a group of boys on the lawn in front of the school building. The boys kicked me, punched me, pulled my hair, and called me names. They held my arms and legs so I could not get away. Mr. E. walked up to us and looked through me, as though I was not there. He spoke only to the boys. "You can't fight on school property," he told them.
He stood and watched while the boys dragged me approximately one foot off school grounds, and then continued to kick me, punch me, and pull my hair. Then Mr. E. turned and walked away.
For many years I couldn't understand how he could have done such a thing. Wasn't it his job to protect me? For many years I carried shame and guilt, believing I had somehow deserved his treatment of me.
Recently this memory came back very strongly, and when it did, I thought I needed to forgive Mr. E. I thought forgiving him would take my pain away. I talked it through with some friends, and one of them (bless her heart) told me that what he had done was unforgivable. When she said that, something broke open inside me. My shame began spilling out, and as I wept, I realized I did need to find forgiveness -- for myself.
To make a much longer story a little shorter, I have managed -- through writing about the incident, a bit of dream interpretation, and some role playing work with good friends -- to forgive myself for being helpless, for being a victim.
As a footnote to this entry, I googled Mr. E. yesterday and found him -- on Facebook, of all places. I am certain it is the same person. Although his profile photo shows him with a large, round belly, a bald head, and clearly much older, the face is the same. His is a face I will find hard to forget, and I'm happy to report that I looked at his photo without fear, or shame, or pain. I felt only a little shaky, as though bracing myself for an earthquake that never came.
I release you from my memory, from my life, from my heart, Mr. E. You may not even remember what you did to me all those years ago. Yet instead of feeling angry, I only feel sad. A sadness that will quickly fade. May you fade along with it.
Many years ago the assistant principal at my high school walked up to me and a group of boys on the lawn in front of the school building. The boys kicked me, punched me, pulled my hair, and called me names. They held my arms and legs so I could not get away. Mr. E. walked up to us and looked through me, as though I was not there. He spoke only to the boys. "You can't fight on school property," he told them.
He stood and watched while the boys dragged me approximately one foot off school grounds, and then continued to kick me, punch me, and pull my hair. Then Mr. E. turned and walked away.
For many years I couldn't understand how he could have done such a thing. Wasn't it his job to protect me? For many years I carried shame and guilt, believing I had somehow deserved his treatment of me.
Recently this memory came back very strongly, and when it did, I thought I needed to forgive Mr. E. I thought forgiving him would take my pain away. I talked it through with some friends, and one of them (bless her heart) told me that what he had done was unforgivable. When she said that, something broke open inside me. My shame began spilling out, and as I wept, I realized I did need to find forgiveness -- for myself.
To make a much longer story a little shorter, I have managed -- through writing about the incident, a bit of dream interpretation, and some role playing work with good friends -- to forgive myself for being helpless, for being a victim.
As a footnote to this entry, I googled Mr. E. yesterday and found him -- on Facebook, of all places. I am certain it is the same person. Although his profile photo shows him with a large, round belly, a bald head, and clearly much older, the face is the same. His is a face I will find hard to forget, and I'm happy to report that I looked at his photo without fear, or shame, or pain. I felt only a little shaky, as though bracing myself for an earthquake that never came.
I release you from my memory, from my life, from my heart, Mr. E. You may not even remember what you did to me all those years ago. Yet instead of feeling angry, I only feel sad. A sadness that will quickly fade. May you fade along with it.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Staying in the Moment
I'm writing this while sitting at a long, gorgeous chocolately brown dining table in York, Maine, watching snow fall on the field and trees outside. There are 18 people here, including three children and two teenagers. There are five dogs about at any given time. Eight of us are at the table right now. The conversation is lively and loud. At this moment inflatable snow sleds are being filled with air and we are gearing ourselves up for fresh powder sledding.
One of the little girls -- the youngest, affectionately known as Maddy -- dropped something breakable on the floor, which did not break. She's wearing her Christmas gifts of glittery pink princess shoes and hot pink socks decorated with figures of black moose. I can tell she's going to be a fasion diva when she grows up!
Probably time for me to put on a heavier pair of pants, since I plan to participate in the sledding! I'll take my camera out and share photos later. Assuming, that is, I remembered to pack the USB download cable. Eureka! I did! Cool.
Well, I'm going to sign off for now and blog at you again later. I'm running my laptop off the battery, which is nearly done. I could plug it in and keep going, but sledding beckons! Here I go! Wheeeeeee!
Take care, and Happy Holidays. May blessedness follow wheresoever you go.
One of the little girls -- the youngest, affectionately known as Maddy -- dropped something breakable on the floor, which did not break. She's wearing her Christmas gifts of glittery pink princess shoes and hot pink socks decorated with figures of black moose. I can tell she's going to be a fasion diva when she grows up!
Probably time for me to put on a heavier pair of pants, since I plan to participate in the sledding! I'll take my camera out and share photos later. Assuming, that is, I remembered to pack the USB download cable. Eureka! I did! Cool.
Well, I'm going to sign off for now and blog at you again later. I'm running my laptop off the battery, which is nearly done. I could plug it in and keep going, but sledding beckons! Here I go! Wheeeeeee!
Take care, and Happy Holidays. May blessedness follow wheresoever you go.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
My Trip: Highlights and Lowlights
Today is my last day in Tempe, visiting with my friend. Tomorrow I head home to Oakland, where I'm looking forward to seeing my sweetheart again, to seeing my friends, my kitties, and just to being on familiar ground. Oh, and resting. I'll be doing a lot of that!
I wanted to do a penultimate blog entry about the high and low points of my trip. It's been so amazing and delicious that I'm even going to do a section on the highlights of the lowlights! Let me begin with the good stuff:
Southwest Retreat Highlights
1) Visiting with my friend in Tempe. What a wonderful way this has been to bookend my trip! Thank you so much, sweetie. Love you lots! Some Even Higher Lights of this highlight: a) Conscious Dance at East West Exchange! If you're ever in the Tempe area, and you enjoy dancing, you need to go. b) dinner at The Blue Nile! Ethiopean food, with a few interesting twists. Delicious! c) Sunday music jam at East West Exchange! I sang Song of the Warrior Woman for this group of uber-talented musicians (which definitely includes my friend!), and I made enough of an impression for one gentleman to forward my friend a couple of poems for me. A gift of moving poems for a poet. What a sweet and fitting highlight! Oh, and one of the songs we all sang together was Yoda by Weird Al! That's a highlight within a highlight for this die-hard Weird Al fan!
By the way, my friend has a CD out on cdbaby, which I encourage you to check out: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/eireencullen. She told me yesterday she recently sold a CD to someone in New South Wales; now she's an international phenomenon!
2) Sedona. I just love the place! What more can I say, except that I most definitely want to go again! Oh, and a few Even Higher Lights of this highlight: a) the food at ChocolaTree (yum! Live Spice Pie! See photo.) b) The sweat lodge experience (thanks, Rahelio!) c) The incredible beauty everywhere I turned, and d) having my friend from Tempe visit me for a day! Wheeee!
3) Exploring. I did a lot of what I call Shamanic Driving on my trip, which means I drove around different areas and stopped wherever I felt called to stop. I found some delightful places I never would have seen otherwise, among them The Arizona Meteor Crater National Monument! Fun stuff (see photo).
I wanted to do a penultimate blog entry about the high and low points of my trip. It's been so amazing and delicious that I'm even going to do a section on the highlights of the lowlights! Let me begin with the good stuff:
Southwest Retreat Highlights
1) Visiting with my friend in Tempe. What a wonderful way this has been to bookend my trip! Thank you so much, sweetie. Love you lots! Some Even Higher Lights of this highlight: a) Conscious Dance at East West Exchange! If you're ever in the Tempe area, and you enjoy dancing, you need to go. b) dinner at The Blue Nile! Ethiopean food, with a few interesting twists. Delicious! c) Sunday music jam at East West Exchange! I sang Song of the Warrior Woman for this group of uber-talented musicians (which definitely includes my friend!), and I made enough of an impression for one gentleman to forward my friend a couple of poems for me. A gift of moving poems for a poet. What a sweet and fitting highlight! Oh, and one of the songs we all sang together was Yoda by Weird Al! That's a highlight within a highlight for this die-hard Weird Al fan!
By the way, my friend has a CD out on cdbaby, which I encourage you to check out: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/eireencullen. She told me yesterday she recently sold a CD to someone in New South Wales; now she's an international phenomenon!
2) Sedona. I just love the place! What more can I say, except that I most definitely want to go again! Oh, and a few Even Higher Lights of this highlight: a) the food at ChocolaTree (yum! Live Spice Pie! See photo.) b) The sweat lodge experience (thanks, Rahelio!) c) The incredible beauty everywhere I turned, and d) having my friend from Tempe visit me for a day! Wheeee!
3) Exploring. I did a lot of what I call Shamanic Driving on my trip, which means I drove around different areas and stopped wherever I felt called to stop. I found some delightful places I never would have seen otherwise, among them The Arizona Meteor Crater National Monument! Fun stuff (see photo).
4) The Grand Canyon. WOW! I mean, just, like, WOW. What an incredible experience. Left me breathless and speechless. The photo at the top of my blog says it all. I was in total bliss!
5) Old Town Albuquerque. I felt I found the soul of Albuquerque walking through the public art and abode-adorned streets of Old Town (see photos). Even Higher Lights of this highlight: a) Ghost Tour! I love these, and have been on several over the years. The Albuquerque ghost tour ranks among the best I've taken, and I highly recommend it! b) History Tour! New Mexico has a rich and fascinating history. Albuquerque celebrated its tricentennial in 2006, having been founded in 1706.
That's going to be it for this round of Highlights and Lowlights. I just realized that if I keep on, this will end up being the longest blog post in the history of blog posts!
I'll continue with the highlights in my next post, and probably do the lowlights in the post after that. As always, thanks so much for reading, and take care.
May your days be filled with what you love most.
That's going to be it for this round of Highlights and Lowlights. I just realized that if I keep on, this will end up being the longest blog post in the history of blog posts!
I'll continue with the highlights in my next post, and probably do the lowlights in the post after that. As always, thanks so much for reading, and take care.
May your days be filled with what you love most.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Up with the Sun in the Land of Enchantment
I'm up way earlier today than usual. At the left is a photo of sunrise over downtown Albuquerque. Today I'm driving to Taos to have a look at sacred mountains and get a feeling for one more place in New Mexico.
So far I have mixed feelings about my experience here. I adore Old Town Albuquerque. To me, it feels as though this city's soul resides there. The tours I took were magical, the guides knowledgeable and genuine. Yet even here in a city of nearly one million residents, food is a huge challenge for me. Luckily there are a few Asian restaurants, as well at two Whole Foods grocery stores, or I would feel more hard pressed than I currently do to find healthy food. Well, food that fits with my diet and food sensitivities, that is.
New Mexican cuisine is based heavily on Old Mexican, so I find a lot of beef, pork, cheese, bread, and beans on standard menus. I can't eat the first two, am better off avoiding the third, am allergic to the fourth and, while I can eat the fifth, I find them as challenging (and musical) to digest as most people.
I'm happy to say I've had a great time in general, though, getting to know Albuquerque's history and seeking New Mexico's soul. If the food could be less challenging, perhaps I would love it here without reservation.
Stay tuned for more tomorrow, which will be my final day in the Land of Enchantment and Challenging Food. Take care, and thanks for reading.
So far I have mixed feelings about my experience here. I adore Old Town Albuquerque. To me, it feels as though this city's soul resides there. The tours I took were magical, the guides knowledgeable and genuine. Yet even here in a city of nearly one million residents, food is a huge challenge for me. Luckily there are a few Asian restaurants, as well at two Whole Foods grocery stores, or I would feel more hard pressed than I currently do to find healthy food. Well, food that fits with my diet and food sensitivities, that is.
New Mexican cuisine is based heavily on Old Mexican, so I find a lot of beef, pork, cheese, bread, and beans on standard menus. I can't eat the first two, am better off avoiding the third, am allergic to the fourth and, while I can eat the fifth, I find them as challenging (and musical) to digest as most people.
I'm happy to say I've had a great time in general, though, getting to know Albuquerque's history and seeking New Mexico's soul. If the food could be less challenging, perhaps I would love it here without reservation.
Stay tuned for more tomorrow, which will be my final day in the Land of Enchantment and Challenging Food. Take care, and thanks for reading.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Old Town Ghosts
I decided to go on the Old Town Albuquerque ghost tour last night, even though my feet hurt. I grabbed my sensible shoes and drove over to 303 Romero Street. And I'm so happy I did!The ghost tour here ranks among the best I've ever taken, replete with historical tidbits and hair-curling (or straightening) stories about mayhem, murder, and supernatural happenings! If you're ever in Albuquerque, make time for it. I liked it so much, I'm going back on Friday to take one of their historical tours and learn more about Old Town. Then I'm having lunch at Church Street cafe, located in the most haunted building in Albuquerque!
One of the coolest things about the ghost tour was encouragement to bring a camera. I'm including here two photos, taken within seconds of each other, for your entertainment. I believe in ghosts, and believe I may have captured something of interest here.
I magnified the small while circles in the second picture, and the bottom circle is probably a magnified dust particle. The top one, however, stayed solid white through each stage of magnification. Does that mean anything? Maybe. Maybe not.If it is evidence of something beyond my ken, I will admit it's a bit flimsy. I am, however, thrilled beyond all thrilledness, for no other reason than that I cannot quickly and easily explain away the first circle. I've taken many, many digital photos and seen more than my share of magnified dust particles and water molecules. I know the top circle is something else, and I'm not sure what. I do know it's something that has never appeared in any photo I've yet taken. And I find that fact quite satisfying.
Thanks for reading, and may your day contain evidence of things known yet unseen!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Blue Hotels and Moonlight Swims
I've landed in Albuquerque, and I'm writing this from my room at The Hotel Blue. And what a fabulous hotel it is! I could live here all week, never leaving its comforts behind. Except to use the pool, of course. Oh, and probably to eat. Not sure my food supplies will last a whole week.
The pool is open until 10 pm, so last night I went for a moonlight swim. Today I plan to explore Old Town, which I believe is quite close to the hotel. I'm sure I'll have more photos for tomorrow's blog.
The drive here from the Grand Canyon took just over five hours, and I arrived later than I thought I would -- mostly because New Mexicans are on MST (Mountain Standard Time), which is one hour later than Arizona in Summer, or California all year around.
One of the things I'm anticipating with greatest glee is the Old Town Ghost Tours! On Friday they have an exclusive full moon tour starting at 10 pm. I am SO signing up for that! My Inner little one, whom I call Little Selene, is jumping up and down at the prospect. We love to seek evidence of what lies beyond the veil!
Speaking of things magical and mysterious, I had a most shamanic drive to this place. When I left my room yesterday morning at the Grand Canyon Inn, I thought I had gathered everything. A few moments after I returned my key card to the front desk, however, one of the cleaning women ran toward me waving my digital camera. I nearly fell to my knees in gratitude!
I thanked them profusely, and also raised my voice in praise to whatever powers be. I felt profoundly blessed, for I have also felt divinely protected all throughout my trip. My camera allows me to record the beauty of this trip. Without my magical eye, I would have felt bereft in the extreme.
The pool is open until 10 pm, so last night I went for a moonlight swim. Today I plan to explore Old Town, which I believe is quite close to the hotel. I'm sure I'll have more photos for tomorrow's blog.
The drive here from the Grand Canyon took just over five hours, and I arrived later than I thought I would -- mostly because New Mexicans are on MST (Mountain Standard Time), which is one hour later than Arizona in Summer, or California all year around.
One of the things I'm anticipating with greatest glee is the Old Town Ghost Tours! On Friday they have an exclusive full moon tour starting at 10 pm. I am SO signing up for that! My Inner little one, whom I call Little Selene, is jumping up and down at the prospect. We love to seek evidence of what lies beyond the veil!
Speaking of things magical and mysterious, I had a most shamanic drive to this place. When I left my room yesterday morning at the Grand Canyon Inn, I thought I had gathered everything. A few moments after I returned my key card to the front desk, however, one of the cleaning women ran toward me waving my digital camera. I nearly fell to my knees in gratitude!
I thanked them profusely, and also raised my voice in praise to whatever powers be. I felt profoundly blessed, for I have also felt divinely protected all throughout my trip. My camera allows me to record the beauty of this trip. Without my magical eye, I would have felt bereft in the extreme.
I stopped for gas while still in Arizona, and as I pulled off the road I wondered if I would catch a glimpse of famous Route 66, and whether or not I would get any kicks. I immediately cruised past a gas station, yet as I glanced at the price per gallon, a sage inner voice advised that I could do much better farther down the road.
I drove several blocks, beginning to wonder if I had made the right choice since I was running low on fuel. Then, down a side street, I glimpsed a red and white structure that resembled a gas station. I turned down the next street and there it was -- gas for $0.26 less per gallon! The price, in fact, was $2.66 for unleaded without the frills.
After I paid, pumped, then headed back to the main highway, I looked at the road signs and saw I was driving down Route 66, and I laughed aloud: I had paid $2.66 for gas, and indeed felt like I had gotten some kicks!
I don't how I knew there was another, cheaper gas station down the road in the town of Winslow, Arizona -- a place I've never been, and may never see again. Yet I did, and I trusted that knowing. For me, that is the definition of magic.
Well, I'm off soon with my magic eye and deep inner knowing, to see what we might discover together. As always, thanks for reading, and may you get in touch with what you never knew you know! Take care.
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